If Everyday Objects Had Dating Profiles

What if everyday objects had a dating profile?!

Name: Couchy McSnuggleton
Age: Old enough to know comfort, young enough to still have bounce 

Location: Living Room, Front and Center

About Me: Big on cuddling, serial binge-watcher, won't judge your snack choices. I've supported more breakdowns than a therapist and hosted enough naps to qualify as a sleep study site. Looking for someone who's cool with a few snack-crumb memories and a forever imprint of your favorite butt spot.

Turn-ons: Throw pillows, weighted blankets, emotional vulnerability
Turn-offs: Pets with zero chill, people who put their shoes on me

Name: Fridge-a-licious
Age: Ageless and chilling

Location: Kitchen corner

About Me: Cool, composed, and always full of surprises (and leftovers). I run quietly but carry a bright light. Looking for someone who's okay with my late-night humming and occasional freezer tantrums.

Ideal Date: Sharing cold drinks and an overabundance of ice, light snacking, and long talks about condiments
Biggest Flex: I once kept a cheesecake alive for 3 weeks. You're welcome.

Name: Sir Vacuum von Louderson
Age: 5 years of strong suction
Location: Closet, dreaming of your dust

About Me: I'm loud, proud, and not afraid to get into your corners. Looking for a clean break or someone a little messy to give my life purpose.
Fun Fact: I eat dirt for a living. No, seriously.
Pet Peeve: LEGO bricks. You know what you did.

Name: Mirrorah Carey
Age: Timeless - don't ask

Location: Hallway, Bedroom, or wherever you need reassurance
About Me: Reflective by nature, brutally honest by design. I see the real you - and the smudges you try to hide. Looking for someone who can handle a little glare and a lot of self-reflection.
Special Skills: Doubling selfie confidence, revealing weird angles during Zoom calls
Pet Peeve: People who write myriads of affirmations in dry-erase marker and never erase them or unauthorized "tattooed" lipstick stains.

Name: Microwave J. Zapp

Age: 10 years young, but I've seen some things

Location: Countertop, always in your corner (literally)

About Me: Fast, hot, and ready when you are. I don't need a lot of time to make an impression - just a minute or less. I've revived countless cups of coffee and never judged a single 2 a.m. hot pocket. Looking for someone who gets me... and remembers to use a cover.

Love Language: Beeping repeatedly when I'm done, then silently judging when you ignore me.

Pet Peeve: People who put foil in me. WHY?!