When Good Vibes Go Too Far

In a world that often encourages "good vibes only," it is easy to assume that positivity is always the right approach. Having a positive outlook on life is good for your mental well-being; but the problem is that life isn't always positive. When positivity is used to dismiss or minimize genuine emotional pain, it can become harmful. This phenomenon is called toxic positivity, and it's more common than you might think. In some cases, it may be self-imposed. For example, a person may try to appear happy all the time by presenting everything in a positive light. However, it can also be an external pressure, such as when people tell a person who is grieving to move on or to look for something positive in their loss.

While the concept of unrealistic optimism has been explored by psychologists since at least 1980, the term "toxic positivity" was first used by Jack Halberstam in his 2011 book The Queer Art of Failure. Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how bad or difficult a situation is, you should maintain a positive mindset. While optimism can be healthy and productive, toxic positivity denies the reality of negative emotions, creating an environment where people feel pressured to suppress anything that is not upbeat or cheery. According to Dr. Susan David, a psychologist at Harvard Medical School and author of Emotional Agility, "Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life." When you ignore or suppress discomfort in the name of positivity, you risk emotional repression and disconnection from your authentic self.

People who exude positivity and ignore negativity often mean well. They may think they're offering encouragement and support, or they may not know what to say during a difficult conversation and wind up saying the wrong thing. While toxic positivity may not be ill-intentioned, it can still be unproductive and hurtful. If someone shares that they lost their job and you respond with, "Everything happens for a reason," or "Just stay positive," you might mean well, but you could be invalidating their experience. Other common phrases that reflect toxic positivity include "It could be worse," "Look on the bright side," and "Happiness is a choice." These responses shut down the opportunity for emotional honesty and can leave people feeling isolated or ashamed of their struggles.

While it may seem helpful to focus on the silver lining, constantly rejecting difficult emotions can have long-term consequences. Research published in 2017 in Current Directions in Psychological Science found that people who routinely suppress negative emotions experience greater psychological stress and even poorer physical health outcomes over time. Clinical psychologist Dr. Jaime Zuckerman explains, "The inherent problem with [toxic positivity] is that we assume that if a person is not in a positive mood (or whatever we think a positive person should look or act like), then they are somehow wrong, bad, or inadequate. The problem is that, when we invalidate someone else's emotional state - or in this case, when we tell someone that feeling sad, angry, or any emotion that we consider 'negative' is bad - we end up eliciting secondary emotions inside of them like shame, guilt, and embarrassment." This can lead to damaged relationships because rather than being able to share genuine human emotions and gain support, people who are faced with toxic positivity find their feelings dismissed, ignored, or outright invalidated. Some even consider toxic positivity a form of gaslighting because it creates a false narrative of reality, often causing you to question what you think and feel. When someone feels they must always present a cheerful facade, it becomes harder to connect with others in a vulnerable and genuine way.

Healthy positivity differs from toxic positivity in that it acknowledges negative emotions of sadness, anger, and jealousy, and pushes for growth and learning through setbacks and conflicts. Instead of brushing off negative feelings, psychologists recommend acknowledging and validating them. This doesn't mean wallowing in misery, but rather creating space to process emotions without judgment. Dr. David encourages people to move beyond toxic positivity by embracing what she calls "emotional agility" - the ability to navigate life's ups and downs with openness and compassion. If a friend is going through a hard time, saying things like, "That sounds really hard" or "I'm here for you" allows them to feel seen and supported. 

At their best, toxic positivity statements come off as trite platitudes that let a person off the hook for dealing with other people's feelings. But at their worst, these comments end up causing feelings of shame in those who are already dealing with incredibly difficult situations. True resilience doesn't come from pretending everything is okay. Rather, it comes from confronting reality with honesty and responding with kindness. Positivity can be powerful - but only when it's authentic.